Mister Wives

lily
Mar 3, 2019
9 min read

Updated: Mar 16, 2019

discussing my favorite movies from my favorite men

I made this in 10th grade so please don't judge

It is a well known fact that I have several talented Hollywood boyfriends, so I've decided to put together a comprehensive list detailing my favorite films that my boys have starred in. I'll be focusing more on the films in general rather than their performances, because I want to and I can. The list is in no particular order, due to the fact that ranking based on talent or attractiveness is the main cause for self confidence issues later on in life. (note: although I use the phrase "mister wives", I in no way condone polygamy or the TLC series Sister Wives.)

Clive Owen: The most beautiful man

My favorite Clive film would have to be Children of Men. A) because it's a very good movie, and B) because it's sort of the only thing I've seen him in. The only other movie of his I've seen that I can think of was this wack ass one where he has a thing with his sister, and also Snape was in it. That being said I really love Children of Men, I think it's one of those movies that's just going to keep getting more relevant as time goes on - not that that's a good thing- and it feels like an important watch. I wish our Lord and Savior, Julianne Moore, could've stuck around longer, but she had to go. All in all, great acting, directing, cinematography, etc. Well done Clive (and Alfonso Cuaron, director extraordinaire and owner of my heart.)

Joaquin Phoenix: who doesn't love a little crazy?

Pt. 1 of the Phoenix brothers entries. Y'all I love Joaquin. I know that he's probably 100% batshit goddam crazy, but if that's what it takes to give a good performance, then that's what it takes. The first favorite of the JP films would have to be To Die For, which is like it's title states, to die for. This movie is so weird and creepy and great. If i could sum it up in 3 words they'd be : Nicole mufuh Kidman. The queen of Oz. While her turn as Suzanne Stone Maretto was pretty great, Joaquin also delivered. I love how with his portrayal of Jimmy you can't tell whether to be creeped out, feel bad for him, or fall in love. His dreamy bumpkin look might just be the highlight of the film, and on that note I believe we will be moving on to my next favorite film of his. My second favorite Joaquin flick would have to be Her. This movie came out in a pre-alexa world, which makes watching it 10x creepier/weirder since you know there're some freaks that want to marry their siris or their alexas or their cortanas (lol cortana). I just really like this movie and that's all I have to say about that. The final film I have chosen would be the criminally underrated PTA masterpiece, The Master. Joaquin received a Best Actor nod for his role as Freddie, but eventually lost out to Daniel Day Lewis (we'll get to him later, don't worry) for Lincoln. At the time Lincoln was the only of the best actor nominated films I'd seen, so naturally I was going to root for DDL. A year or two later I got around to seeing Silver Linings Playbook and felt like the academy messed up by snubbing Bradley. A year or two after that, I finally saw The Master and immediately began my "Joaquin Phoenix was ROBBED!" campaign. He gave one of those performances that makes you feel like no one else but him could have played that role, and I stand by my position that he was robbed. The Master also stars Philip Seymour Hoffman (still in mourning) and love of my life,Amy Adams, who were both equally as deserving for the awards they were nominated for. I guess y'all just gotta see The Master to know what I'm talking about.

Honorable Mention goes to: The real Queen of Scot's, Lynne Ramsay's, film You Were Never Really Here.

Daniel Day Lewis: Please come out of retirement.

The first DDL film we will be discussing is Thatcher-era, cute lil gay flick, My Beautiful Laundrette. I love this movie partly because it gives us Americans some insight into how effed up Britain is (as I've said before and will say again, we won the war for a reason), but also because it gives us an opportunity to stare at an 80's, peroxided-out Daniel Day Lewis. I have a thing for indie British movies from the 80's and 90's, which might add to my love for this movie. There's something really dreamy about films from then that I din't get much of now. Every independent British movie these days is all dreary and grim - which I do love - but not as much as films of yore. Please just find this movie and watch it so I can have someone to talk to about it. Alright y'all, we got another PTA film coming up, and that film is the fabulous Phantom Thread. All I really have to say about this movie is that DDL can still and forever will be able to get it. Though he might have been handsome, his character Mr. Woodcock was a total ass. Or if we're sticking with the British theme, I guess you would say he was a arse, wanker, c u next Tuesday, prick, tosser, prat, knob head (I might've made that one up). Even though he was a major dick, there's no denying that Phantom Thread was one of the best films of 2017 and a great final film for DDL. Gone but never forgotten (he ain't dead, he's just living in some castle probably reading his AARP magazines)

Mahershala Ali: why did we agree to do Green Book?

My first introduction to Mahershala was with The Place Beyond the Pines, where he was featured in the majorly supporting role of Eva Mendes' husband, Kofi. When I watched this film I had no clue who he was, but I remember really loving his performance and also his face. I mainly watched this movie for Ryan Gosling and Ben Mendelsohn (we'll cover this later), but was pleasantly delighted when I saw Bradley Copper appear as semi-bad cop, Avery Cross (all you had to do was hear that name to know he was up to no good) . Though the film has a runtime of a lot of minutes, it's definitely worth the watch. The Place Beyond the Pines was a supremely underrated film with a shit ton of great performances. My second introduction to Mr. Ali was of course with Moonlight. I could go on for hours talking about Moonlight, so I'll keep it short and sweet. Moonlight Mahershala>>>>>> Green Book Mahershala. I remember seeing him on the screen and thinking he looked familiar and getting home to look up what else he'd been in and seeing Place Beyond the Pines pop up, hence the second introduction. In conclusion, from watching both of these films I have decided that Mahershala plays a good father figure pretty damn well.

Sam Rockwell: The king of underrated masterpieces

I looooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeee, love, love, love, love Sam Rockwell. He's handsome, he's talented, and he's got a fabulous personality. I honestly can't say I've ever been disappointed with one of his performances. The first performance I ever saw of his was 2013's The Way Way Back. I feel like this was one of the first movies I saw without my parents as well as one of the first actually good movies I saw in the theater. Aside from Sam, this movie has my dream cast, Allison Janney, Steve Carrell, Maya Rudolf, and Toni gd Collette. The Way Way Back is a perfect coming of age film in that it's equal parts funny, awkward, and upsetting, with Sam contributing heavily to the funny part and giving an all around iconic performance. On the topic of Iconic, let's talk about Seven Psychopaths. This film easily makes it into my top 10 favorites, as well as giving me some of my favorite performances of all time. Sam being perfectly batshit, Colin Farrell serving us the whiny Irishman we all want, Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken, and Woody Harrelson being equally as batshit as Sam. If you haven't seen this movie stop reading and go watch it. If you for some reason liked 3 Billboards, then buckle up because Seven Psychopaths is about to dish out all the crazy that 3 Billboards couldn't be bothered to serve.

Honorable Mention goes to: Lawn Dogs, so cute, so fun, also may contain a Sam Rockwell dick shot.

Ben Mendelsohn: He's a Man at Work

My favorite Ben Mendelsohn film would have to be Anminal Kingdom, which unlike it's TV adaption, is really good. His performance is Animal Kingdom was basically Bloodline-- but make it Australian. He's aced the creep-ass blacksheep and can do skeevy so well to the point where I question what he's like in real life. If you're into good looking Australian guys getting caught by the cops then look no further. For some reason, America felt like it needed to get it's dumb ass in on the action by creating a TV version of the film. And it ain't good. The original was toned down and creepy, while the shitshow of an adaptation is too focused on being macho and sexy that it completely misses out on what made the original so great. The movie didn't need buffed out gross guys to feel macho, and the Mother Boy relation ship between the boys and their mom was so much more effective when it wasn't straight up incestuous. If you take one thing from this it is that America needs to chill the hell out with it's wack ass depictions of masculinity, and also that Ben Mendelsohn is a true contender for favorite mister-wife.

here's a bonus Joel Edgerton appearance to brighten up your day

We're in the home stretch, I promise.

Michael Shannon: All hail the King of Creep

This post is dedicated half to my love of Michael Shannon, and half to the only other person who loves Michael as much as I do, Jeff Nichols. My two favorite Michael Shannon films, Take Shelter and Mud, also happen to have been directed by director of my dreams Jeff Nichols. If we're talking favorite Shannon performance, than it's Take Shelter. I honestly feel like he deserved an Oscar nomination for this role, or at least a Golden Globes nod. He does such a great job playing an already weird ass guy who happens to be getting crazier by the minute. Because of his performance, i can't help but say to myself "There is a storm cominggg" like a crazy person, every time I see rain clouds. While Take Shelter is a really great film, I don't know how great it would have been without Mr. Shannon. Being that he is Jeff Nichols unofficial muse, he has appeared in every one of Nichols' films, sometimes as the lead and sometimes staying in the background. An example of this would be his appearance in Mud, which is not only the best Jeff Nichols' film but also one of my all time favorites. Mud is single-handedly responsible for starting the Mcconassaince, so I'm not really understanding why we wouldn't absolutely love this movie. Michael plays one of the main characters, Neckbone's, uncle, who happens to be a pearl harvester and failed womanizer. Though he's only on screen for a short amount of time, he does leave you with a memorable performance.

Honorable Mention goes to: Shape of Water and Bug (if you were wondering where the whole "king of creep" comes from, this is it)

We've finally made to the last leading man in my life, who's it gonna be? (drumroll please)

Steve Buscemi: A freaky lil thing

Guys, I love Steve Buscemi, and not in an assholey ironic way, like I genuinely love this man. With that being said, here's his best work, or I guess the best work of the people that have been lucky enough to direct him. Obviously this wouldn't be a Buscemi post without some Coen brothers love. I can't decide whether Fargo or The Big Lebowski contain my favorite of his roles, so I'll go with both. With Fargo, his role is basically what would happen if you gave Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs his own film. Steve is equal parts terrifying and dumb as fuck in this film and he's perfect in his role. The other Coen role of his that I love, is his performance as Donny in the The Big Lebowski. Donny is the opposite of everything his Fargo character was and I love him for that. We love you Donny, Rest in Power. My other favorite film of Buscemi's would have to be Ghost World. I made the mistake of watching this film in 8th grade and it was the definite cause of my angsty phase (in addition to a healthy dose of My So Called Life and American Beauty). I don't blame Enid for falling in love with Steve in this movie, because I know I would.

Honorable Mention goes to: Parting Glances, the film that led me to develop a crush on good ol' Steve. And let's add Reservoir Dogs to the list for good measure.