why can't we have nice things?

lily
Feb 27, 2019
9 min read

what should've won at the oscars pt 1

I've decided to split this post into 2 parts, the good ones and the ones people (uncultured swines) don't give a shit about. So for part 1 we're gonna chat about Best Picture, Director, Actors,Supporting Actors, and Screenplays. Please enjoy.

Best Picture:

who won it: Green Book

who deserved it: Roma

What in the hoo-ha-hell is going on at the academy. This is just repulsive. Moving on from my thoughts on Green Book - a film I haven't and will probably never watch - lets talk about the real winner. Rommmmmaaaaaa. For those of you losers who haven't gotten your act together to watch this film (@ my mom) I'll sum it up for you. The first part is the dreamiest and cutest thing ever. The last 30-40 minutes are basically hell on earth but really well directed/acted/shot/edited/etc. hell on earth. The movie was inspired by Mexico's no. 1 hottie, Alfonso Cuaron childhood and the relationship he had with his family's "Cleo", and you can tell. Roma is lovely and it makes you want to go live in a black and white Mexico City. That being said here's why it should've won:

a. because it was a good ass movie

b. it was 50,000x better than all the other mediocrity/bullshite nominees (except for

Blackkklansman and The Favourite, keep it up sweeties you're doing great)

c. it would've been a really important win given that a shit ton of shitty Americans

currently hate Mexico. To answer trump's question of "who's doing the raping?", definitely nobody from Roma because the're all lovely people (except for you Fermin).

In conclusion, Green Book sucks and Roma doesn't. Period. End of story (stay tuned for part 2 when we get into this winner).

Best Director:

who won it: Alfonso Cuaron for Roma

who deserved it: tie between Alfonso and Yorgos for The Favourite

I really wasn't too disappointed with this category. All of the men nominated (you'll be nominated one day Lynne Ramsay) were pretty deserving of the award. Adam McKay was did his own thing. Spike was compensated for not getting the nomination he deserved for Do the Right Thing. Pawel was a very pleasant surprise that I definitely won't be complaining about. But they were all kind of fluff nominations. The academy was like "you guys were great but like not great enough, so here's a nomination instead". The real toss up came down to Alfonso for Roma and the King of Creep himself Yorgos Lanthimos with the Favourite. These two reminded me a lot of the 2015 (?) Oscars when Richard Linklater and Alejandro Innaritu went head to head with Boyhood and Birdman. Cuaron was basically this year's Linklater in that he directed a film that felt personal and screamed passion project. Which makes Yorgos the Innaritu of 2019. They both directed exciting and experimental films that showed of their dedication to freaky deaky film making. All 4 were equally deserving and I still go back and forth over who should've won in 2015. So I'm not disappointed with Alfonso's win and wouldn't have been mad if Yorgos had won either.

Best Actor:

who won it: Rami Malek for lukewarm Freddie Mercury

who deserved it: Christian Bale for American Voldemort, Dick Cheney

I'm a Mr. Robot girl, which means that I have been on the Rami train for a while now. And I think he is really great at what he does which is playing a freak ass hacker guy really well. That being said, what in the hell was the casting director on when they thought Rami could play Freddie Mercury. I get that they look alike but that's about it. Maybe if he hadn't been wearing those straight-from-the pop-up Halloween store fake teeth he might have given a better performance. I'm not saying that he was bad, but he was up against 3 other really good performances (note the exclusion of Green Book), and I just can't agree with this win. Though I might not have absolutely loved Vice but there's no denying that the acting was spot on. Which brings us to Christian who was so, so, so,so,so good. Most times when famous actors appear in biopics, they might give great performances but you still can tell that they're acting. In the case of Vice, X-tian - and his makeup and weight gain- became he who shall not be named. All of the other cast members were great but I could tell that I was watching Amy or Steve or Sam, but Christian was straight up Dick Cheney. Because Rami wasn't able to fully become Freddie I can't be at peace with his win. I've also had the hots for Christian way longer than I have for Rami which helped influence my choice. On the topic of hotties, Bradley Cooper was really great despite how okay A Star is Born was, and I assume Willem was great in At Eternity's Gate because he's Willem DaFoe and he can do little wrong in my book. Though I was confused by the age gap between Willem, who i assume is in his 50-60's, and Van Gogh who was 30 something when he died, But hey acting is acting. And even though he might have been criminally robbed of both a nomination and a win, Ethan Hawke was the true winner of this award in my heart.

how can someone this handsome play someone so ugly?

Best Actress:

who won it: Olivia Colman for Good ol' Queen Anne

who deserved it: Olivia

I didn't get a chance to see The Wife so I don't feel like I can be upset about Glenn losing. But I did see The Favourite and Olivia was amazinnngggg and batshitttttteeee. Also how had I never seen her in anything before, I'm very disappointed at myself for that. The rest of the category was really strong. Glenn I guess was great, also she's Glenn Close so she was great. Melissa was perfect as Lee, I can't see anyone else playing that role except for her. Lady Gaga was surprisingly good, I was really let down by her appearance on AHS but the bitch turned it out as Ally. My honorary 6th nominee, Elsie Fisher, was fantastic in Eighth Grade so kudos to her. I honestly would have been fine with any of them winning but I really wanted to see Olivia give a speech because I knew she'd British it up in a good way. Work it ladies, you all made me very happy. Obviously women were the only people who showed out in their category this year, so go them.

Best Supporting Actor:

who won it: Mahershala as Don Shirley, who wasn't actually friends with Tony

who deserved it: Richard E. Grant as Gaycon Extraordinaire Jack Hock

I love Mahershala, and apparently so does Hollywood. I don't doubt that he was great in Green Book, but seriously. His performance as Juan in Moonlight was fantastic, giving one of the most unique and multi'faceted portrayals of a Black male character I've ever seen. Juan was an interesting and complex character, and the short time he spent on screen had a lasting impact on everyone who saw the film. But with Green Book I feel like all we got from his character/performance was a boring, one-sided, generic portrayal of a, African American man. Though I do feel like this is an instance where we need to blame the writer and not the actor, I still don't think there was anything memorable about this performance. Mr. Richard E. Grant on the other hand gave one of my favorite performances of the year. Just like Melissa, I really can't see anyone playing this role better than him. He was able to capture the Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent that I assume newfound queer Icon, Jack Hock, had in real life. He was just as important to the Can You Ever Forgive Me as Melissa was, and I don't know how successful the film would have been without him. Sam Elliott was really good too. I would have subbed Adam Driver's nomination out for Nicholas Hoult's. I don't understand why his performance of nasty British wig man in The Favourite was so overlooked, because I found him to be one of the most interesting characters in the whole film.

the bonnie and clyde remake we never knew we needed

Best Supporting Actress:

who won it: Regina King as A really great mom in Beale St.

who deserved it: Regina, Emma, or Rachel as Olivia Colman's "Bitches" in The Favourite

To quote Leslie Jones, "REGINNNAAAAA!!!!!". I fully support this win, A) because I love Regina and B) because she was really really great. I also would have been down for a win from Emma or Rachel. I thought their performances stood out on their own while still complementing Olivia's. Amy was great as the American Lady Macbeth, and Marina was really great too. I just think that Regina's soft and understated performance perfectly fit Barry Jenkins' characterization of the role. Also can we talk about how Barry is a genius at assembling casts and getting his supporting characters the Oscar nominations/wins that they deserve. I don't really have much too say when it comes to this category except that I really really loved the performances I saw.

she is beauty, she is grace, she is Oscar winner Regina King

Best Adapted Screenplay:

who won it: Spike Lee for Blackkklansman

who deserved it: Spike or Barry Jenkins for If Beale St Could Talk

To be fair I haven't read either of the books that Spike and Barry adapted, but I feel like I'm familiar enough with their work as directors to know that they did good damn jobs. Let's be real, Spike should have won 30 years ago with Do The Right Thing, but alas he was robbed of the award. And this year he finally won his long deserved Oscar for some really great writing. I get that he has a really distinct directing style but his voice really comes through in his writing as well. I will say that though the film was super political, I didn't feel like I was getting the Spike Lee level of political rage that I had signed up for. That is until the film felt like it was over and the Charlottesville sequence started up. I know that that scene technically wasn't adapted, but its inclusion really brought the rest of the film to life and helped ground the outrageousness of it to life. Barry on the other hand did what he does best, write a beautiful ass film. The way he focused on the characters, especially with the inclusion of Tish's monologues from the novel, makes for a dreamy yet realistic end product that you can't help but not love. Jame's Baldwin's novels should be really hard to adapt, but Barry did it and we gotta give him props for that. Can You Ever Forgive Me? had fabulous writing, and I have enough trust in the Coen brothers to know that their adaption of the stories that inspired Buster Scruggs was probably great. The Star Is Born nomination felt like a throwaway, but I can't think of anything else that should have been nominated in it's place, so I guess I'm okay with it.

And now for our final category of the post, and my personal favorite award...

Best Original Screenplay:

who won it: whoever wrote Green Book

who deserved it: Paul Schrader for First Reformed, and If we're talking snubs Bo Burnham for Eighth Grade

I'm tired of talking about Green Book, and I just know that the writing was probably the most cliche and formulaic thing ever, and I'll leave it at that. Now on to the actually good stuff. Paul Schrader has written many a great screenplay, and First Reformed is no exception. It was honestly one of the weirdest films I've seen all year, and I've seen a lot of weird shit. What makes the writing so great is that the plot is nearly impossible to describe yet 100% comprehend-able once you watch the film. And it does help that Ethan Hawke brought the holiness to hard core climate change activism. The really winner of this award, in my opinion, was Bo Burnham. I feel like I've been content enough with the nominees in the other categories to not feel the need to pick a snubbed film for my winner, but here we are. I've been watching Bo's youtube and vine videos since I was in middle school and I could have easily been disapointed by this screenplay. The way he was able to write for Kayla was so flawless and I will forever love him for creating this film. His writing was genuinely funny but also super heartfelt and awkward. And it was perfect. His snub was maybe worse for me than Green Book's Best Picture win.