Why am I doing this? part 1

you decide.

a picture says a thousand words...or just one

Guess what guys...I'm bored. I've pretty much lost all interest in this site a) because I don't care and b) because I recently reread one of my posts and holy shit, why are you still reading my posts because omg they are aggressively cringe. I was going to consciously uncouple with the blog, but alas here we are. So instead of indefinitely hiatusing I've decided to watch 100 movies, that's right 100, this summer as part of a "series" to help get me back into "writing". I was inspired by my youtube boyfriend, Karsten Runquist, who did this last summer and figured I could do it too. Update: I just realized how big of a number 100 is, so just be prepared for my failure. At the end of Karsten's video he ranked all the films, and since my memory only works for remebering detailed yet useless stuff, I'll probably forget about most of these by the end of the summer. Buttt, I'm also a genius because I decided to just do weekly (?) power rankings so that I'll have something to reference when doing the full 100 ranking. I should also add that I'm trying to watch all movies I've never seen before, but there might be a few rewatches in the mix. Though I wont say which ones I've seen before so that you'll think I actually did 100 new movies. According to math, I'll have to watch a movie every single night until the day before I leave for school, so I'm pumped. Now without further ado please enjoy week/part 1 of this shitshow I've gotten myself into.

Week I (May 8-19): Before you say "hey that isn't a week", just know that I'm not a fucking dumbass, I'm just lazy and didn't get my shit together until a few days ago. I promise I'll be competent from now on. FYI these are in the order I watched them in and the real ranking will be at the bottom, in case you aren't smart enough to figure that out without me telling you.

1. Unrelated (Dir. Joanna Hogg, 2007)

Ms. Joanna falls into my category of "Beloved Lady Directors From the UK, That Are Making Better Movies Than A Lot of Guys Out There, IJS." This list consists of Joanna, obviously, Andrea Arnold, and of course, Lynne Ramsey. I'd already seen Hogg's second film, Archipelago, and decided to watch Unrelated in prep for her upcoming film The Souvenir that looks like the movie of my dreams. That being said, Unrelated is about Anna, a middle age potentially single woman, who travels to a friend's vacation (excuse me, holiday. Fucking British pricks) villa in Italy. During her stay she opts to hang out with her friend's teenage kids instead of, I don't know, the people who actually invited her. The leader of the group is a babyfaced, pre-Taylor, Tom Hiddleston in what I think is his debut role. He gave off major Armie Hammer, Call Me by Your Name asshole vibes, maybe that's just because of the Italy part, but whatever. He was charming, conniving, and also a rich little dick. He and Anna have a tension between them that Anna unfortunately misreads, probably because Tom lead her on. Asshole. Because of this Anna questions her own relation ship with her boyfriend, as well as the friend who invited her. And that's about it. In the end I did really like this movie. It had a sort of lo-fi style to it, which brought out the characters and story due to the lack of distracting cinematography and whatnot. You could tell it was Hogg's first film when you compare it to the quality of her later films, but even though it might not have looked great, the story still held up. Unrelated was definitely very British, but not in a crumpets and tea way, so basically a good way. I really love the independent films like this that have been coming out of the UK, because they show a different side of England et al. that you don't get to see in most of the British films that we get here. And with that, I'd just like to say, we love you Jo.

Unrelated gets 3.5/5 OK's

2. Oklahoma City (Dir. Barak Goodman, 2017)

Unlike the other 7 films on the list, Oklahoma City is our only documentary. I believe it originally aired on PBS as an episode of American Experience, and we fuck with PBS. As you might have guessed, the film centers around the Oklahoma City bombing of 1995, because what else is there to talk about regarding OKC. Because I am a you-know-what for wikipedia articles on terrorism, I already had a decent knowledge of the bombing/ the events leading up to it. There isn't really much to describe plot wise, since the plot is literally just explaining why/how Timmy did it. I thought the documentary did a really great job in the way it presented information. It would give you a little piece about the bombing and then loop back to a background event that inspired it. Also because it was such a recent event, there was a ton of footage, as well as interviewees with close ties to the events. Like most PBS docs, Oklahoma City is on Netflix for your viewing pleasure. If you're like me , and are very very intrigued in this sort of stuff, then I'd definitely recommend this. PSA: just because I like learning about psychos doesn't mean I am one. So don't worry, I won't be blowing anything up anytime soon. (was that insensitive because idk, but also idc).

Oklahoma City gets 4.5/5 OK's

3. My Brother The Devil (Dir. Sally El Hosaini, 2012)

So here we have our second British entry for this week (I just realized that the rest of the list is all British too, sorry to the patriots reading this post) and I don't know how I feel about it. When it comes to British films about real life they're either super bleak and upsetting (ex. Weekend, Fishtank, Starred Up) or they're edgy and theatrical (My Brother the Devil, Kidulthood). I find that the ones focusing on gang shit are usually the more ott dramatic ones. What I do like about this genre/style is that it feels 100% British, but I don't feel like they're as sincere as the more realistic ones. That being said, this film is about two brothers living with their Egyptian parents one of the many non posh parts of London. Rash, the older brother is part of a gang named DMG, or drugs, money, guns (the London version of GTL). His younger brother really wants in, but Rash is like "no you fuckin whiney ass bitch, you're not joining". And his brother respects that, until he discovers that Rash has a -gasp- boyfriend. Uh oh. "Game on Bitch"-the little brother. After this there's more drama, guns, etc. I was entertained the entire time I was watching this, it's just that in comparison to other films I've seen, this one's just kind of there. In the end, My Brother the Devil is a good movie, I just have a big ass list of things I'd recommend before this. Also, Rash is very handsome. That's all.

MBTD gets 3/5 OK's

4. Caravaggio (Dir. Derek Jarman, 1986)

Now this is the British content I signed up for. I've somehow made it this far in life without watching one of Jarman's films, and I thought this was the time and place to do it. All I have to say is that I. Loved. This. Movie. Periodt. As you could probably tell from the title, the film is a kinda-sorta biopic about Caravaggio. I say that because it seems like Jarman skimmed over Caravaggio's wiki page (I'm not dumb, I know there wasn't wikipedia in 1986) and was like "ok, so I like this but I'm also just gonna do my own thing, makin up shite and whatnot". This method of biopic-ing was most certainly used in Bohemian Rhapsody, except with BRap they were actually trying to be accurate and Caravaggio was just like "fuck it". Since there really isn't a reason for anyone to know about Caravaggio's life, I will sum it up for you. (well technically I'm summing up the film and not his life, so like don't count on this being true) To make a long mf story short, Caravaggio was a teenage prodigy who's paintings got the attention of some Catholic dude who let him stay in his monastery. Not to jump to conclusions, but I think we all know that it wasn't the paintings that the Cardinal was into. So now Carry is all grown up and still painting pretty ass boys that are also somewhat religious. At a bar he discovers a dreamy young Ned Stark and makes him his muse. Ned happens to have a girlfriend, Alien in Chief, Tilda Swinton, who Caravaggio also gets close with. After this there's jealousy, murder, the pope, and a nice long lead poisoning death. What I love about this movie is that it's got such a clear voice behind it. Jarman is able to make a movie set in the 1600's with characters wearing modern clothing and technology. Caravaggio was known for placing historical/ religious figures in modern dress for his time, so it only made since for Jarman to do the same. I do want to make it clear that it isn't Caravaggio in the 80's, because it's still definitely set in the 1600's. I should also add that this was our QUEEN, Sandy Powell's first film, and her costuming is the greatest thing ever.

Caravaggio gets 5/5 OK's

5. Edward II (Dir. Derek Jarman, 1991)

If you loved the period bending that was Caravaggio, then boy do I have the film for you. Edward II is an adaptation of the play of the same name from like 15-something. While the dialogue feels period appropriate the costuming goes above and beyond. From Tilda Swinton wearing full on Audrey Hepburn/ Jackie O gowns, to the members of the court looking like full on Thatcher cronies. The film details Edward II's rumored relationship with his friend Gaveston, who has already been exiled once and is damn ready to do it again. Basically the rest of the plot is just Edward's wife, Isabella, being v shady and v jealous of her man's friend, to the point where she ends up marrying Eddie's biggest enemy in a plot to overthrow the king. The film is super political in it's use of comparing contemporary British issues. For example, comparing Ed's court to Thatcher's joke of a party, the military being depicted as riot police while Edward and his followers are depicted as members of a gay rights protest. This film reminded me a lot of Romeo + Juliet in the fact that it's modern lookin people speaking Shakespeare talk. Though unlike R+J, which was set in the 90's, Edward II is committed to it 1200's setting. It also reminds me of My Own Private Idaho, partly because they're both New Queer Cinema films, but also because it reads like a play, which is uncomfortable at first but once you get used to it it's amazing. Because of this, if you're going to watch a Jarman film I'd definitely go with Caravaggio, because it's weird but palatable weird. Again, I'd like to end this "review" by worshiping Sandy Powell's work. Also shout out to that Annie Lennox cameo that made me say, "I didn't know she was a time traveler, but I can't say it doesn't make sense"

Edward II gets 3.5/5 OK's

6. Tyrannosaur (Dir. Paddy Considine, 2011)

Spoiler Alert: it's another British movie. Tyrannosaur is about two people, Hannah, played by Queen Anne herself, Ms. Olivia Colman, and resident old drunk, Joseph (?). Hannah is super cheery and cute (and jesusy) while Joseph is a real dick. The plot isn't very intricate, with the main point being that Hannah is married to a very very bad guy whose name I don't care to look up. She and Joseph become friends after he beats up some guys in a bar and then has to hide from them in the thrift shop (I'm not calling it a charity shop, this is America we don't care about charity here). He later ends up taking her in after her husband does some bad shit to her. That's basically the entire plot, save for a few details. All of the men in this movie were awful people, with one being a 2 time dog killer, and the other a rapist who's in to pee stuff. I'll let you decide who's who. And that's not to say that Hannah isn't a little wack as well, but she's not the worst person featured in the film. I really like this movie, but I had a real issue with the scoring. The score should've been darker and more minimal, but instead it was this folksy/indie guitar shit. IDK if they were trying to lighten up the movie by giving it this score, but it didn't work, because it was really distracting. While Tyrannosaur is pretty grim, it isn't too dark, and I think it would be appealing to most people (except for the dog stuff because that was unforgivable). My only suggestion would be that if you're gonna watch this USE SUBTITLES. I had no fucking clue what Joseph was saying 80% of the time, so like you do you, but I would definitely put some captions on that shit.

Tyrannosaur gets 3.5/5 OK's

And finally...

7. Naked (Dir. Mike Leigh, 1993)

Ok so I was a hardcore Lupin fan back in the day, and was made fun of by some asshole for thinking he was hot. I am here to say that Naked confirms his attractiveness, just so long as you ignore the teeth. I'm sorry, but what in the whoo-ha-hell is going on across the pond that gives them those George Washington on meth ass teeth. Them Brits out here lookin like pennsatucky from OINTB before she got her good teeth. Now for the serious stuff, Naked is about a guy Johnny just walking around London at night. Like that's literally it. It's basically just 2hrs of him making small talk with a bunch of randos such as his ex girlfriend and her roommate, some crackery Scottish guy, a security guard, etc. Johnny's one of those characters that's 50% charming and 50% annoying as af. He just talks so muchhh. And about weird shit like that nostredamus (not looking up spelling) freak, and other conspiracies and shit. But in comparison to Jeremy, Johnny's pretty tame. Jeremy is a full on Patrick Bateman nasty ass yuppie sex freak. Every single line of his violates title IX. I accidentally fell asleep and missed about 20 minutes, not because it was boring but because I was tired as shit. That being said, I don't feel like I missed much plot wise, I probably just lost out on another one of Johnny's lectures on how the world's ending in 1999. Jokes on you Johnny, it's been 20 years and we still here bitch. I've been meaning to watch some of Leigh's films, and I think Naked was a great starting point. It's not perfect, but it's still entertaining and it shows all of Leigh's potential. Again, this is another subtitle film, you'll thank me later.

Naked gets 4/5 OK's

The Official Shit:

1. Caravaggio

2. OKC

3.Tyrannosaur

4. Unrelated

5. Naked

6. Edward II

7. My Brother the Devil

Now I know what you're thinking, "I know math and this shit just doesn't add up!". Well... that's because the ratings I gave each of the films were based on how they were, but the ranking was just about what I liked. Sometimes you're gonna get an ok movie that you hardcore fuck with, e.g. Mama Mia 2: Here We Go Again! Also I'm the one whose opinion matters here, so fuck off.

B4 u go, here's a pic of present me to past me after realizing what I've gotten myself into

Kk bye. See you next week