Whyyyy part 2.

i'm done already.

me trying to get through this challenge

FYI I probably won't be writing intro paragraphs for these posts because that's too much work for me, especially if I'm not getting paid. And, you guessed it, I just don't care.

1. The Guilty (Dir. Gustav Moller, 2018)

So this movie had been on my radar for a while, and with radar I mean the saved page on my wiki account (yes I have a wiki account, sorry you don't. effing losers). I bit the bullet and finally watched it after scrolling through hulu and being to lazy to look for any other films once I found this one. And I was not disappointed. The Guilty is about Asger (isn't this where Thor is from?), a semi-former cop put on 911 dispatch duty while he waits for his hearing on whether he'll be let back onto the force again. The entire 90 minutes take place within the dispatch center, with most of the supporting characters appearing as off screen callers. Since this is a thriller, there are a lot of twists so I'll have to keep my summary short. So basically, Asger is living his best Sorry to Bother You life, answering phones and shit, when he gets a call from a distressed lady who's been kidnapped. He then takes it upon himself to solve the case, even though he ain't a co no more. There are three main twists, the first of which I was able to call. Still proud of myself for that one. And then the other two I didn't really see coming. Even though this was a super tense story, I didn't find it as "on the edge of my seat" as I should have. Maybe that's because I'm a soulless cretin who's unfazed by this sort of stuff, but I didn't find myself as engaged as I would have hoped. That being said, it's still tense it's just not heart racing. The Guilty is basically if you took Locke, but swapped the whole "omg my mistress is having my kid" plot line to "omg a lady is trapped in a white van". I should also mention that the film is Danish, so xenophobes beware!

The Guilty gets 4/5 OK's

2. Shame (Dir. Steve McQueen, 2011)

Guys... why the fuck did I watch this? It's not like this was a bad film, because it was actually pretty good, but I don't think I needed to see as much of Mr. Fassbender as I did. I'd like to start this review with a nice little story time. The year is 2015, Obama's president, the Panthers are 15-1, my dog is dead, and I have just discovered my love for Michael Fassbender. Usually when I find an actor/actress/director I like, I try to work through all their films. I knew that the film was NC-17, but I had naively assumed that I would have a warning before any Fassbits appeared. I was very wrong. One of the first scenes is him walking butt ass fucking naked through his apartment- multiple times I should add. I drew the line after his third walk through that ended with him sleepy peepeeing (technically not sleepy because it was like 7am, but still). I think I tried watching it again 2 or 3 years later, but I chickened out again. But this time I did it! I really did it! I can't say it wasn't that bad because there was some stuff that was too much for my good christian eyes, but the non adult parts were pretty good. Long story short, Brandon is a sex/adult film addict ( à la josh duggar). The film is basically just him dealing with that aspect of his life, while also dealing with his sister, the lovely Carey Mulligan, who showed up at his apartment after breaking up (?) with her boyfriend. And that's pretty much it, well that is if you ignore the HBO after dark portion of the film. Most of the scenes weren't any worse than other films, but the last 20ish minutes, holy hell y'all. I'm not a little prude bitch at all, but that last part almost took me there. The last 20 minutes are just Brandon going around NYC and being the nastiest little fuck in town, while his sister is in a bad place mentally. In contrast to the borderline porno I had to watch (Let's be real, I just nervous laughed and tried to look away), the rain scene definitely made me shed a tear, and was also definitely made his performance award worthy. I really love Michael Fassbender, but I'm really gonna have trouble seeing him the same way now that I've seen the Fassbender itself. I also want to know why he continued to work with McQueen, when Steve put his through hell for each of his films. With Hunger, he had to lose a shit ton of weight and do some shitty stuff (emphasis on the shitty). Shame, we've been over this already. And then with 12 Years A Slave, McQueen was like "so I'm gonna need you to say the n word every other line, annnnndddd you're gonna have to pull a Thomas Jefferson, and put the title IX moves on Lupita Nyong'o". I was pretty disappointed that he wasn't in Widows, but I'll live. But for real tho, even though Brandon might be terrifying, we still love Michael, and Carey, and of course the King (or queen) himself, Mr. Steve McQueen. In the end, I really did like Shame, and it's worth the watch if you want really great performances.That being said you've seen the rating, so like... I'd now like to leave you with a warning straight from the bottom of my heart, Achtung you fuckers, there's a whole lotta peen ahead!

Shame gets 3.5/5 OK's

3. The French Connection (Dir. William Friedkin, 1971)

Even though I am a you know what for New Hollywood, I still don't know how I feel about this movie. Which is weird because it has everything I like, it's gritty, it's got drugs, Gene Hackman. I'm thinking this is a film I'm going to have to rewatch because I had no fucking clue what was going on for most of the movie. What I got out of it was that Gene and that guy from Jaws are cops that are chasing down the French El Chapo. For the sake of transparency, I feel that it is my duty to let you know that I didn't finish this movie. Not because it was bad, I was just exhausted and still haven't gotten around to watching the last 40 minutes yet. I will say the cinematography is v v good, so like watch it for that. Because I haven't finished it and also am still very confused, I'm just gonna end this here.

The French Connection gets 3.5/5 OK's

4. Booksmart (Dir. Olivia Wilde, 2019)

I liked Booksmart. I can's say it wasn't fun and enjoyable, I just don't know if I loved it. Update: I obviously didn't love it because if I did I probably wouldn't have to think about it. I just feel like because we're in a golden era of girl-centric coming of age movies (Lady Bird, Florida Project, Eighth Grade, etc) that Booksmart didn't feel as special. Don't get me wrong, I did really like it, and I laughed and everything, but it didn't feel like it had as much substance as its contemporaries. I mean it did have substance, but it was only for 5 minutes and felt uncomfortably forced. I know it's bad to compare things to each other, but it's just that Booksmart didn't feel as important of a film as the three I mentioned. That being said... here's your plot briefing for the day: everyone described this movie as being the girl Superbad, and that's basically it. Two closeted fun girls go out on their last night of school trying to find the "party of the year" but have trouble getting there. There's also the fact that their crushes will be/are there, but that's a whole other story reserved for viewers of the film. Booksmart is a comedy, and it was funny but sometimes it was gratuitously funny. It felt like they were layering joke on top of joke on top of joke and I was just like "pump the goddamn breaks, JC!". I also want to say that I also had trouble with their portrayal of school. I get that they were trying to be all over the top "high school's a bitch haha" but it didn't come off as ironic as they wanted it to which was a little uncomfy. Cast wise I was a fan. We love us some Beanie and Kaitlyn, as well as the rest of the cast such as Dearevanhansen the 2nd, Noah Galvin, Jason Sudeikis, MacGruber, and Valerie Fucking Cherish. Also shout out to Victoria Ruesga who like Amy I am totally in love with, except I am about 98% straight and Amy is 98% not. Some of y'all is about to be real mad at me, but it must be said. Billie Lourde's character was very unnecessary and cringe. I'm rooting for Billie, but Gigi's face did not need to see the screen. Honestly when it comes to Booksmart I think you should just ignore everything I've just said and go see it for yourselves. I'm a total bitch when it comes to comedy, so I feel like I'm judging it way harder than I should be. So to recap: 1) Booksmart is basically lady Superbad, 2) I am a bitch, and 3) please go see this right now so Ms. Olivia can make that bank, we gotta be supporting films (especially women lead films) at the theater. You have been given your marching orders, now go do them. Now!!!!!

Booksmart gets 4/5 OK's

We have now reached the end of this post. "4 films?" you might be asking. That's right, I got real fucking lazy this week, and guess what, I got lazy as fuck next week too.

week 2 power rankings:

1. Booksmart

2. Shame

3. The Guilty

4. The French Connection