Blue Velvet... R U OK?

David.........?

lol get it?

I was lucky enough to watch Blue Velvet a few nights ago and like what the fuck? I's so confused about this film, did I love it? Hate it? Know at all what happened? I would say that the answer to all of those is no, but since I still have no clue what's going on then the answer is still up in the air. I don't know why I thought this wouldn't be batshitfuckingcrazee because I a) have seen other David Lynch films, and b) had already seen the first half of this movie a year ago. But for real, I both can and cannot with this movie and we just gotta talk about it.

So to make a long fuckin story short Blue Velvet is a complex film... it begins (I think) with a shot of Lumberton NC, which very clearly isn't Lumberton, but I'll take the North Carolina shout out (it was definitely filmed in Wilmington). Sidenote- I love how excited I get when I find out something is set in/ filmed in NC, and then how fast it takes me to pick out every error when I actually see it, for example the fact that I'm 90% sure there is no river/water front in Lumberton, but I digress. So we're in Lumberton (how many times can I say Lumberton...?) and Kyle MacLachlan is home from college following his dad's stroke? (this is never explained) and on his way back from the hospital he finds an ear. That's right folks, my boy Kyle finds a moldy, severed ass ear just lying in some field. Being the good (this is debatable) person he is he takes the ear straight to the police station. He soon links up with the detective's daughter, my wife, Laura Dern, who lets him in on some potential leads in the ear case that she's picked up via eavesdropping on her dad. The two of them then get waaayyy to into the case and start investigating it on their own, which if you've seen/read anything with this plot line you know it ain't gonna end well... like at all.

who was the genius that cast both of my favs in the same film

Ok so Laura and Kyle are being little shit stirrers and decide that they're basically going to stalk Dorothy Vallens, an international woman of mystery that Laura keeps hearing her dad and co. mentioning. They first decided that they're going to break into her apt., with Kyle posing as a bug sprayer, and Laura a mormon or some shit, in order to distract her and find a way into her abode for later on. After this they decide they'll go to the night club she sings at to check her out some more. We see her sing "Blue Velvet" (y'all knew it had to happen), and midway through her performance they skidattle so they can slip into her place while they know she's out. Kyle convinces Laura not to go in, so she decides to wait in the car and when she sees Dorothy come back she'll honk 4 times. The only ish with this is that when she does honk, Kyle is relieving himself of the multiple Heinekens he's had (he just looovvvveeeesss heineken) and can't hear the car horn over the sound of the toilet flushing. So after this is where it gets a little freaky deaky. Kyle manages to hide in the closet in the knick of time, but Dorothy ends up finding him and it turns a little... grown up, which like, "sexy" Kyle MacLachlan freaks me out, I'm sorry but I'm gonna need him to be a dork/freak/weird lil thing instead of this. Thank you. But their time together is cut short when a certain fella named Frank shows up. I'm not going to spoil this scene because it's wack as fuck, but also because their is literally know way to explain it. So like I guess you'll just have to watch it to find out, teehee. After all this Kyle gets wrapped up deeper into the Dorothy/Frank/Laura/Others drama and the freaky shit ensues. And that's about all I can say without spoiling anything/ being able to acurately describe things, so if you want to know what happens next your options are a) watch it or b)just go to wikipedia.

this should be self explanatory

So the real tea here is did I or did I not like this movie, and my answer is still idk. I mean this movie is truly, madly, and deeply fucked the hell up, but not in a bad way it's just David Lynch being the beyond freakazoid he is. I didn't know how "adult" this was gonna get because up until this point the only thing I'd see of his was Twin Peaks, which did have its moments , but without the FCC holding him back, Blue Velvet was a whole 'nother level of messed up. So I guess what I'm saying is you might not want to watch this with your parents/kids/friends/significant others/spiritual leaders/bosses/etc. That all being said, you can't say this movie isn't interesting. Plot wise- no matter how low key messed up it is- is still pretty great, and of course the cinematography and score are great. As I've mentioned the cast is pretty great, though Ms. Isabella still gives me the heebs. I think the film's most successful feature is the fact that you can easily place it with a director. There's literally no way anyone but Lynch could've come up with this foolery, and that's the true mark of a dude that knows what he's doing.

The last thing I'll say is that I do recommend this movie, but also you've been warned so don't get mad at me when you are permanently scarred from it. I will not pay for your therapy visits, or meds!!!! Also if you want to see this but haven't seen any other David Lynch shit before then don't watch this!!!! Well, do but don't start with it. Honestly just start with the clean, ABC weirdness of Twin Peaks,and then maybe do Mulholland Dr. or Eraserhead after that and thennn come back to Blue Velvet. I'm only telling you this because I care about you.

I was going to leave you with a slideshow of some extra shots I liked, but the they didn't want to format my pics right so you're just gonna have to enjoy a column of pictures mkay. So scroll for some cinematography and stay for the ear...

Blue Velvet gets 3.5/5 OKs

bye bye