Lighthouse...? More Like Diehouse ahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Arghhhhh u ready kidsssssss?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

*sighs* fffffffuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk

I have seen The Lighthouse and because of that am now a changed woman. Since this film was produced by the cult of A24, it's been one of the most hyped films of the year-- that's right Avengers: Endgame, you aren't the only bitch people wanna see. I saw this opening day (aka last Friday), and was joined at the 1:15 showing by every film bro in NYC. I'm not kidding there were probably only 5 ladies in attendance, and these boys had some major A24/R-Patts/Dafoe/Eggers hardons (I mean don't we all? but theirs were particularly offensive). That being said, The Lighthouse might be one of the weirdest films I've ever seen. I'm talking Sorry to Bother You weird. And though The Lighthouse and STBY are worlds apart plot wise, they're equally as freaky. Long story short, the film follows Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe as they spend some quality time together manning a lighthouse. This film features everything: facial hair, tentacles, chunky knitsssss, Robert Pattinson in chunky knits... You name it, The Lighthouse has it all. So now that I've got your attention (I know the image of Robby in a sweater got you going) here's the full rundown.

this movie made me so cold omg

(Just to warn you, this movie is so batshit that this summary will probably be too incoherent to read and because of that I am deeply sorry)

The Lighthouse is what you'd get if you mixed the seagulls from Nemo, that mermaid part of Goblet of Fire, and something I can't put my finger on but I'll let you know if I get it. It was basically Brokeback Mountain, but with less brokeback and more water/violence. It starts off with Winslow (Pattinson) and Wake (Dafoe) getting dropped of at their quaint lighthouse somewhere in bfn Atlantic ocean. I guarantee you someone's going to make this place an airbnb in the near future. The two are stuck on the island for 4 weeks when they'll be relieved by another pair sea boys. When they go to divvy up the duties, Wake takes manning the light, while Winslow is stuck with all the "bitch" duties. He's basically the Victorian, gender swap Cinderella you've always wanted (a Robert Pattinson Cinderella...y'alllllll). After a while he proposes a trade in jobs, and Wake does not like that. Like at all. The light is his. And we find out just how deep his love for the light goes after witnessing him hugging the light without his clothes on... (is it getting hot in here or is it just me). JK there's literally nothing cute about that scene, but I digress.

I'm getting some PTA/Master vibes, and you know what that means...

As the weeks go by, things start to get heated. Winslow, still offended by Wake's drinking and ownership of light duties, is ready to be gone. Butttt, the night before the two are supposed to be picked up, Wake manages to get Winslow drunk as fuckkk and they sleep in past their pick up time. And then to make matters worse, a wack ass storm (climate change ammiright) blows in making their departure unlikely. The storm (definitely caused by Winslows bird murder which is apparently bad luck in sailor world) makes our boys grade A delusional. They're both closer than ever, singing and dancing and shit, but also hate each other like crazy. Winslows critique of Wakes cooking sends him into a Pulp Fiction- bible style rant, asking Poseidon to strike down Winslow's ass, or something like that idk. After this we're treated to mermaid vj (the image of this is burned into my brain for life, goddam you Robert Eggers), Winslow getting off to mermaid you-know-what, a fake identity, Wake maybe being a sea demon???? and lots of chasing each other with axes. When all is said and almost done, our boys have finally arrived at delusionville, and it's pretty clear that they're never leaving the lighthouse. After dogwalking (literally) Wake, Winslow finally makes it up to the light. We never find out what he sees, but from what we do see it looks pretty damn good. After that we get to the Seagull/Nemo part of the film, and then its over. And that's that on that.

dude's really into the mermaids

In terms of (get ready I'm about to say the A-word) aesthetic, I went back and forth over whether the look and feel of the film was too much. A bit too pretentious if you will. At first I wasn't down with the the 4:3 aspect ratio/b&w/weird fog horn shit/and cinematography. I liked all of the aspects separately, but the longer the movie went on the more I liked all those things. They really gave way into the turn of the century, somewhat incoherent, silent film fantasy that Eggers was giving us and I somehow walked away from the film not feeling like a pretentious bitch/honorary film bro-ess. And on top of that the acting was *chefs kiss* fabulous. And with fabulous I mean that it made me extremely uncomfortable for most of the film, but you gotta give the boys credit for all the method that was going on. Lol apparently Willem said that Robert went a little too hard on the method, so naturally I spent the whole film trying to figure out what scenes Willem was feeling threatened during. Even though the acting was really great, I don't know if they'll be recognized for it at the Oscar level just because it might be a little too much for the senile assholes running the academy. Don't get me wrong, they definitely deserve it, I'm still waiting for that RP oscar nom, and for my bby boy Willem to FINALLY FUCKING WIN!!!! But that being said I do think it could get an original screenplay nod because that old English sailor talk was the shit, idk how they wrote it but it was good. And obviously the story itself was enough to warrant some awards. I could also see cinematography getting some love, maybe sound design/mixing... but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. (sidenote: if Hustlers or Rocketman rack in the nominations I will be sending the academy and inflammatory email expressing my disgust, one that may lose me my chance at winning my oscar but that wont stop me)

my boys

So now for whether I liked it or not. While I was watching it I had one of those reactions where 30 minutes in you start wondering why you paid (16.50 by the way, fuck you New York. You're the one killing the film industry!!) because you're both slightly bored and confused because the plot should've started picking up by now. And if I'm being honest I kind of felt that way the whole time but I shifted more towards the confused end of the spectrum. It wasn't bad or anything, it was just a lot to take in, like a lot a lot. That being said, the more I think on it the more I start to really love The Lighthouse. It was beyond weird, but because of that it was insanely original while being a somewhat unexciting concept on paper. I haven't seen Egger's last/and first film The Witch because it was a horror film, but I'm a big girl now and I think I could handle watching it for research purposes. Even though I've only seen one of his films, his voice is well established. He's definitely the film kid turned bad boy of the A24 horror department, which is something I can and will get on board with. In the end I probably wouldn't see this unless you, like me, was 100% on board after seeing the trailer. And even if the trailer looks amazing, which it does..., you at least get to go into with my freakiness report in mind. Let's be real I'll probably be seeing this in again sometime soon, so please go support my two husbands, unless you're scared, then maybe don't watch this and just go stream the rest of their films, m'kay.

(I apologize for not including any chunky sweater pics, you know they'd be here if I could've found them)

The Lighthouse gets 4/5 OK's