Holllyyywwwoooodddddd.

y'all already know

cigarettes r bad

In case you didn't already know, today we're talking about Q****** T********'s new film Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. So I saw this exactly a month ago and after reading back my very vague notes taken in theater, I have no clue wtf I was talking about half of the time so y’all are gonna have to bear with me for this… This post will be a listing of issues a la Bohemian Rhapsody (though OUATIH was nowhere near as bad), so I guess you could say I’m basically the Martin Luther of film grievances. I should also include a disclamer, because even though I had some issues with this film it was still pretty enjoyable. It might have been 1000 hours of decent content, but if anything you should watch for the last 30 minutes which had me laughing, screaming, and crying all at the same time. So here we go

1. This note just says “film loading screen- we get it Quentin”: so I’m going to assume this means that there was one of those countdown things and like the note says, we get it Quentin, you made a movie about old Hollywood.

2. The Inglorious Basterds part II bit: he basically redid the whole movie in about 1 minute. Also it would have been mad meta if Brad had played the Nazi slayer instead of Leonardo, but I guess I didn’t write the film so…

3. All the cut aways during the Pacino Di Caprio conversation: they felt like a form of cheating in that Quentin couldn’t just be patient enough to let the conversation happen and give us the info verbally, which we know he can do (ex. the 20 minute jew hunter intro from Inglorious Basterds)

4. Apparently there was a mix of ascpect ratios which I’m assuming were from the cut aways: I remember all the different aspect ratios were supposed to be nostalgic and cool, but they were just gimmicky. Not. Cool. Quentin.

5. Giving pedo Polanski screen time, as well as making Brad be into teenage hippie girls: that’s all

6. All of the music JC: this was like a bad version of American Graffiti in terms of being hit over the head with nostalgic music every 5 seconds. Except with American Graffiti the music was actually integrated into the world of the film, which Quentin usually does, but this was just bad and soundtracky. Like Stranger Things “just incase you weren’t aware of the fact that this is set in the 80’s” soundtrack bad.

rip bb girl

7. The wannabe Breathless shot in the Polanski car: To give QT credit, it is really remarkable how much film knowledge he incorporates into his movies. And usually the references he includes are undetectable and deep, but the Breathless shot. Dude that’s a first day of film school reference right there, you ain’t special Quentin.

8. Nick Brody as Steve McQueen: I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out who was playing McQueen and when I figured it out it took every fiber in me to not scream “JUSTICE FOR BRODY”.

9. The overly saturated atmosphere in terms of set, costume, and sound design: did I enjoy all the costumes and sets, yes, but like I said with the music, I just felt like I was being beaten over the head with all the 1969 shit. It would’ve been okay if they were going with a campy vibe, but Quentin doesn’t seem like the type of guy to do camp.

10. Shoutout to the Tora!Tora!Tora! poster cameo: In case you haven’t heard of it Tora!Tora!Tora! is a very shitty Pearl Harbor movie that might be worse than the Affleck Pearl Harbor which says something.

11. Charles Manson walking around the Polanski household: I don’t know what’s scarier, this scene or the phrase “Polanski household”. This scene gave me major Us vibes , it was basically Us II: Tether Me Whitewashed.

12. Timothy Olyphant’s role: I legit thought he was Johnny Knoxville for most of his screen time, sorry Tim

13. Sharon goes to see her own film: and she couldn’t be bothered to pay the 76 cent ticket. WTF Sharon you’re a rich bitch you can pay that shit.

14. Sharon at the movies pt 2: I really liked that they used footage of the real Sharon during this scene because it was on the verge of being a little too Forrest Gumpy

15. I thought QT would be smarter than to include “California Dreamin” in the film: Quentin, Quentin, Quentin… girl, I might not like you but I’d like to think you were smarter than this. No hate to California Dreamin though, shit’s a bomb ass song, but the only film it will ever be allowed to be in is Fish Tank (more on this later)

what the fuck is with the feet Quentin

This is where my notes left off which probably means this is where it got good. I’ll try not to spoil it, but lets just say this ending was very Inglorious Basterds “Lets Kill Hitler” scene. I do like that Quentin is able to take well know historical events and just fuck with them. I think by doing this he was able to pay respect to Sharon Tate (Quentin Tarantino respecting a Woman that isn’t Uma Thurman??)

Ok that’s it. While the last 30 minutes of this film are really really great, the rest of the film is still worth watching. It’s really entertaining even if it’s just irrelevant side story. Which leads me to my next point, if you were expecting this film to be 2+ hours of Manson family values then you are wrong my friend. I don’t think mentioning that is a spoiler, but you should know it so you aren’t caught off guard by the lack of Charlie’s screen time.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood gets 3/5 OKs