Bohemian Rhapsody: the queen of horrible movies

"and the Razzie for worst makeup and hair-styling goes to..."

a visual summary of this shitshow

Bohemian Rhapsody, the movie that diddled America's hearts by the director that diddled America's teenage boys. I usually don't like to say that I hate a movie or that a movie's bad, because I know that there was so much work put into it and I don't want to degrade that, but every once in a while a film comes along that I gotta shit on. And holy shit is this the one. Bohemian Rhapsody was a fucking shit show, and if you don't agree with that then I'm going to need you to exit this page and never come back because you and your lacking taste are not welcome here. Just kidding, we don't discriminate here at okmovies, but just know that you are being judged. I was recently fortunate enough to be able to watch this a second time at my school's theater, and I'm still trying to decide if it was worse or better the second time around. Because I wasn't at a real theater I didn't feel bad about a) talking through the whole movie, and b) being on my phone. Why were you on your phone, asshole, you might ask? For you, I respond. I decided to make a comprehensive list of grievances so I could write the best "review". Instead of following my usual review structure, I'm just going to go down my list of atrocities and thoroughly address each one for your enjoyment.

let's begin...

1. The opening scene with Freddie walking to the stage for live aid is so fucking cheese. Also it doesn't match up with the same sequence later on in the film, so like y'all...

2. When Freddie's working at the airport unloading luggage and he stares at the suitcase with all the world stickers on it: again with the cheese, we get it, he wants to go places. Big whoop.

3. Freddie gets the p-word (I'm gonna feel like shit if I actually say it, so let's just say the p-word is an unfortunately British slur against Pakistani people. Thank god no one in America would ever use derogatory words against people that aren't white, hahahahaha) : we all know that the reason the writers threw this in was so they could be all woke and shit, like "did you know that British people can be racist, because we did". Also it felt like they were going a little heavy on the Thatcher era shit (I know that the iron maiden wasn't PM yet, but she was definitely still stirring up shit)

4. After Freddie goes to see pre-queen queen, he has lingering eye contact with a boy, gasp!: I'm pretty sure the writer/director thought they were being super heavy handed with the gay stuff with this scene, but like no. They were probably like "guys we're gonna go there with the gay stuff, I don't know if y'all are gonna be able to handle it", and everyone was like "so eye contact makes you gay now?"

5. At Friedrich's first gig with the band he's strug and gets booed, but by the end of the scene the crowd is in love with them: that ain't how this works guys.

6. "Bollocks" overuse: we get it, they're British. Sheesh

7. The studio scenes where they're being "innovative" and "experimental": wow, sooo quirky.

no.

8. During performance/tv scenes they could have done way cooler things with their editing, but instead it was super forced: it could've been inventive like Spiderverse or amazing like Whiplash, but instead it was disgusting.

9. At least the proposal scene wasn't as atrocious as A Star is Born : I mean I still wanted to vomit, but not as bad as I did with Jackson and Ally and that fucking guitar string.

10. The American tour: where do I start. The title card, y'all I know for a fact that the font they used is from google goddam docs. Also the location of their stops made no sense, first they're in Minneapolis and then the next day Atlanta? No ma'am.

11. Their Bohemian Rhapsody pitch that was set to Carmen (idk if it's actually Carmen, but whatever it is it ain't original): first of all, this scene was gross. Like so so gross. Also I just looked it up and I was right about Carmen, fuck yeah, but that means that if I know the opera then it isn't that unique. Pick a new fuckin opera Fred. I'm getting tired of this Carmen bs.

12. If you thought the first recording session was bad, ohhh boyy are you in for a treat: I think my spine fused with my shoulders from cringing so hard during this. Recording scenes are usually all the same and sort of boring, so I applaud them for trying to be different, but goddam I wish they hadn't tried. Yuck. The first time I saw this I was just like, "ew wtfuck", but this time I noticed so much actual shit that I just can't. The editing was so bad, especially during the part with Brian (?) (guitar man) and his guitar solo. He and Freddie were the only people talking/doing stuff, yet the editors felt the need to show every other actor in the room. Take a god damn editing class please. The Academy needs to take that class to so they can learn to not award Bohemian Rhapsody and its SHITTY FUCKING EDITING EVER AGAIN!

13. The radio interview with the reviews of the song popping out on the screen, omg wtf: I have never hated a scene more than this, and that's all I have to say about that.

me and siri having a chat during the movie

14. Freddie and Mary's breakup set to "Love of My Life" in combination with the drama lighting: the LOML part is pretty self explanatory, but the cinematography... you can tell they thought they were being so clever and cerebral by lighting Mary in blue because she's sad. Boo hoo how unoriginal.

15. After he comes out he starts dressing exclusively in silk robes, using gold plated rococo lookin phones, and bumping opera 24/7: Freddie's gay? lol this reminded me of that scene from I Love You Philip Morris, where Jim Carrey is a suburban straight ™, wearin off brand polo's and shit, and then he figures out he's gay and immediately turns into a manscaped South Beach, toy dog fur-dad, outrageously stereotypical gay guy. Except with Philip Morris it's campy and smart and funny as fuck, but with B Rap they are 100% serious.

16. They were real heavy handed on the post- breakup Freddie/Mary relationship: they made her come off as the bad guy, but she was the one that got dicked over. But I guess the protagonist in a biopic isn't allowed to be the bad guy.

17. The "We Will Rock You" scene and the whole "it's for the audience" bs: This ain't how this shit happened and it was disgusting. "We Will Rock You" deserves better. Lol no it doesn't. That song is Queen's "Yellow Submarine" as in it sucks and only appeals to kids under the age of 7.

18. The title card for Madison Square Garden flashing along to the beat of "We Will Rock You": More with this shit. Just stop already.

19. The styling felt like a kid who discovers PowerPoint and every slide has a different font and transition and it’s okay because it’s a kid, but this was done by grown ass people: for the love of god, pick a font and stick with it goddamit!

20.“treacherous piss flap” is a great insult: I finally found something to like about this movie. yay

21. Pretty sure "Another One Bites the Dust" isn't disco...?: It's implied that this is supposed to be a club song because Freddie says he wants a club song and we cut to the club how creative makes you feel dumb because they’re giving you all the info and hitting you over the head with it.

22. Update, I've found another thing I liked: I enjoyed the "I Want to Break Free" scene, because I really like the music video. And they did a good job mixing the different types of footage, so kuddos I guess. But... and it's a big but, the placement of that scene was so unsubtle. Of course you're going to play "I Want to Break Free" right before Freddie goes solo.

23. The breakup scene felt very ripped from wikipedia: I'm pretty sure Brian and Roger (?) (as if I actually care) were producers on the film, and when Freddie talks about how Roger was the one to come up with the concept I could tell that they only wrote that in so Brian and Roger could let the audience know that "we're creative too" *whine*

24. Mary making the shortest surprise trip to Munich and she somehow magically knows where he lives, annnddd it's drama raining... seems a little sus: this scene was almost as infuriating as Jackson Maine's dog magically opening the door and letting himself out of the house so he could sit outside of the garage where Jackson was dead. Really. That dog shoulda just enjoyed his steak and minded his own business.

Halleloo, we're in the home stretch. Now please enjoy an accurate portrayal of the AIDS plot-line of this treacherous piss flap of a film.

25. During the band's reunion meeting about doing live aid, Freddie steps out of the room and we're treated to some very nuanced cinematography: So he stands in front of a gold record and it's supposed to look like a halo. Give Me A Break because I have Had It. Periodt.

26. Montage of Freddie watching an AIDS story on the news that's set to "Who Wants to Live Forever": gross, just literally so gross omg. Freddie didn't die for this shit. Also the scene ends with him tucked into his bed like a corpse, very tasteful...

27. Enough with the mirrored aviators shit: just an observation.

28. Saying "ayo" with the AIDS patient at the doctors office: I love his single strategically placed lesion, how very Philadelphia of them. (jk Philadelphia was my. shit. in 8th grade and doesn't deserve to be associated with this "film")

29. On the way to live aid Freddie magically has time to go through the entire phone book to find Jim, pick him up from his house, annnd meet his parents. y'all.: you ain't got time for this sit Freddie.

30. I feel it's important to mention that my friend thinks Mary's husband looks like cardboard, do with this information what you will.

31. The Wembley CGI is so goshdarn awful: It honestly looks like bad video game cgi, even Freddie looks fake.

32. The great editing during the "Radio Gaga" scene: They cut to a boy when he sings "boys" and a girl when he sings "girls". That's so revolutionary, I never would have thought to edit like that. wow.

33. And finally, the donations only start to come in during Queen's set: I'm sorry but there's no way that The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and David space-goddam Bowie, weren't able to bring in any money. No fuckin way. Don't flatter yourself Queen.

Well we made it. I shouldn't have written this and you shouldn't have read it, but here we are... that's all :)