I Decided to Take One for the Team, and Watched A Decent Portion of Adam Driver's Filmography
- lily
- Jul 14, 2020
- 13 min read
Someone once said it's harder to come out as an Adam stan today than it is to come out as LGBTQ+... and I potentially stand by that.
Well guys I finally did it. Something no one, not even I, asked for. I watched all* of this Adam Driver's movies. Up until last year I was a casual fan (big time Kylo fan tho), I thought he was a great actor and in some instances I understood the *hype*, and y'all I don't know what the fuuck happened, but at some point my mind was just like "it's official, you love love love this man now, with his big fuckin ears, nonexistent fuckin jaw, fuckin trouty mouth having ass " and after that there was nothing that could be done to change it. At first I thought that simply watching Girls would be enough, but I soon realized a) Girls is absolute FuCKINg trash, grossss, and b) that just watching him on TV wasn't enough, and also c) because again Girls is so goddamn fucking bad, ughhhhhhhhHHHHG FuCK U Lena Dunham you white feminist MONsteR!!!!!!! Moving on. So once quarantine hit, I first watched all of Star Wars (I bet you can guess why now), and then I officially bit the bullet and said "fuck it, we're watching all of this man's movies", and that I did. I'm hesitant to say all, because I didn't watch 4 of his films where he was in a way minor role, why would I waste my time on that. So, what did I learn from this experience?: yes, I am still in love with Adam even though he low key plays the same problematic asshole in a decent portion of his roles. Also, I'd like to thank Star Wars for giving him the coin to be able to star in whatever he wants instead of being stuck in rom-com trash ass supporting character purgatory. Finally, I should add that I'm ranking the films based on how they are independent from his acting, but, providing I don't get lazy, I will probably rank the performances at the end. Also, we're keeping "reviews" short since we've got 21 films to discuss and I'm tired of splitting up posts (lol watch me still do this tho)
Coming in dead last we have....
21. This is Where I Leave You (2014): This movie hates women
To quote Nicki, "I hate, hate, hateeee" this movie. I already knew this movie was going to suck, but two minutes in when I discovered it was produced by a certain Steve Mnuchin, I knew this shit was gonna suck suck. TIWILY came out during that early-to-mid 2010's era of shit ensemble family dramedies. The cast of this isn't terrible, with Tina Fey/ Kathryn Hahn/ Rose Byrne/ Connie Britton as the only acceptable parts of this movie. The key offender of the cast is none other than... Jason Bateman. I fucking hate his bitch ass, and guess what... he played the same self-centered asshole with a messiah complex for the umpteenth time in this movie. Speaking of that character, I think the best way to describe this movie would be to say it's just a bargain barrel, podunk, shithole ass, low rent version of Arrested Development. As for my declaration that this film hates women, all the lady characters were written so shittily. Tina's only purpose chasing a creep ass, permanently concussed Timothy Olyphant's dick, and the fact she was left out of the family business while her 5000 brothers all got to be part owners was wrong. Kathryn Hahn was obsessed with nothing other than having a kid, and it was fucking degrading. Rose Byrne's character was the lamest attempt at a manic pixie dreamgirl I've ever seen. Honestly making her a true MPDG would've been better than making her quirky because solely she ice skates at a rink that has twinkle lights strung over the ice and plays 80's music. The only offensive action taken against Connie Britton was that she had to be associated with this shitshow. And finally, the whole lesbian plot twist at the end, was so fucking cheeaaapppp. How about we stop exploiting people's sexuality for laughs, m'kay, especially when it comes to Lesbian relationships @ the male gaze. This is probably one of the worst things I've ever seen, and anyone who enjoys this will be cut out from my life immediately.
Adam Assessment: his character was gross and I hated it, though I can't say he was the worst part of the cast/movie. I'm also pretty sure this is how my grandma discovered him, and subsequently thought he was Minnie Driver's son.
20. The Dead Don't Die (2019): Just watch WW Z instead...
I honestly don't have much to say about this movie except that it was just boring, and if I learned one thing from Project Runway, it was that boring is 1000x worse than bad. I've always had trouble understanding Jim Jarmusch's films (we'll get to this later), and the trouble with this one was that I couldn't tell if it was bad or just Jim being Jim. All I'll say is that this was the most annoying zombie movie to ever exist. From what I've seen, it's the only zombie movie where they know exactly how to kill them from the get-go, and the way to kill them is easy, yet they still fuck it up. The ending pissed me off bc they easily could've survived and they just gave up. If Lupita and Co. could survive Us, then the characters of this film could've easily lived annnddd probably killed off all the zombies too. Also the film's weird attempt at being meta did not work for me, like at all. Shit just pissed me off, except for Ms. Swinton, who of course is only thing of worth in this whole film. If that wasn't enough to persuade you not to watch this, I have two words that'll really turn you off it: Selena & Gomez.
Adam Assessment: He was just as boring as the film, but he was cute tho with that baseball bat/ machete, and also ACAB so...
19. What If ? (2013): Thank you for reminding me why I hate rom-coms
I wish I could un-see this, I really do. I try to go into rom-coms with an open mind, but y'all, sometimes they make it really fuckin hard. This didn't have terrible reviews, so I thought it might be my new favorite thing, but I was wronged by this movie. This same thing happened with fellow Toronto set rom-com, Take This Waltz, another one of the worst things I've ever seen, which fits into the same "r-rated wannabe edgy rom-com, but it's actually not edgy bc it un-ironically follows all the cliches of the genre except with more sex (jokes) and cussing". I like the cast of this movie, I really do, but they got fucked over hard by the men who wrote/directed this. First of all Daniel Radcliffe was a total dick in this, which fits into cliche no. 1: the self centered asshole male lead who low-key blames women for all of his problems. Then there was Zoe Kazan (Zoe I will be stealing your husband in 4-5 years once I've become famous-- this is non-negotiable-- so you better be sleeping with one eye open), who was the mpdg that of course already had a boyfriend, and refused to take a promotion at work because she loved her low-rent animation job so much. Adam and Mackenzie Davis were the stereotypical supposed-to-be-funny supporting couple that were fucking gross and fucking stupid. I fucking love Ms. Davis, but I'm feeling like she listens to Girl in Red, as in she low-key low-key doesn't give off straight vibes, like at all, so her character felt even more off than Adam's disgusting wing-man. Lastly, Zoe's character was named "Chantry" which idk if this is a real name or what, but I refuse to call her boring ass anything other than Pantry. Also, Pantry, sweetheart, you could do so much better than any of the men in this "film".
Adam Assessment: Grosssssssssss. This character was basically the cousin of his Girls character, and I can't tell which one I dislike more. That being said, I feel like he enjoys these comedic roles, so I feel like I have to support it.
18. Star Wars IX (2019): Eh.
We've already been over this. Actually, no I'm still not finished talking about this. I've decided to revise my proposed ending to this film, instead of him casper-ing about with Luke and Leia at the end (this would require dying first), he should've survived, and then he and Rey could've buried the lightsabers together, and when the old lady shows up to ask who they are he could've been like "lol Ben". Perfect, everyone's happy, you're welcome Disney. The end.
Adam Assessment: Not terrible, but the character development in this was so trash that I honestly don't remember anything about this performance. Except... for that sweater, goddamn.
17. The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2018): Y'all, I just... I
I don't want to shit on this movie too much, because it's obviously a major passion project and was in development hell for like 10000000 years, and I feel like Terry Gilliam was just so excited to make this. But I feel it is my duty as a responsible film recommender/analyzer
/watcher, to let you know how much of a confusing and haunting fucking fever dream this movie is. It's not bad per say, so much as it's just so unbelievably wack and also I was very uncomfy for about 99% of the movie. To make a long fuckin story short, Adam plays Toby, a shithead egomaniac director whose student film about Don Quixote is what got him famous. So, Toby goes back to Spain to film another movie and runs into the actor who starred in the student film, except he now believes he actually is Don Quixote and leads Toby on a freakshit adventure across Spain. I have zero knowledge of the legit Don Quixote story, so I have no clue if the plot of this film mirrors/overlaps with the Cervantes shit. I really didn't like this, but I feel like everyone had fun making it, and it also is nowhere near as offensive as say, Bohemian Rhapsody, so I don't feel right shitting to hard on this film.
Adam Assessment: Dude made me mad uncomfortable in this. Idk if it was the half up/ half down hair, him yelling 24/7, or the fact that I discovered that the man has literal fucking tits, but I am not a fan of Mr. Toby Grissoni. That being said, I feel like he had fun making this. He cashed those Star Wars checks and said "fuck it I'm having fun" and then did this, so I can't complain.
16. Tracks (2013): The straight version of Priscilla
There's nothing inherently bad about this film, it was just a little boring, not in a lazy The Dead Don't Die way, but more in an "Australian history teachers probably show this in class at the end of the year when they're done teaching" way. There weren't really any major plot incidents/ drama, so it never really went anywhere. So to summarize, Tracks = not bad but not exciting. And that's about it.
Adam Assessment: This was the first time he wasn't playing a creep ass, comic relief nympho/pervert, so we salute.
15. Silence (2016): Scorsese religious passion project 3: Tokyo Drift
These next few films fall into the category of "not at all bad, but not my absolute favorite". Technically speaking, Silence is probably better than the rest of the films in the category, but I'm ranking them on how much I liked them not how good they actually were. Silence is basically the Jesus story, but set in old-timey Japan. It's got Crucifixions, money motivated betrayals, ugly white guys with long hair (to be fair this is coming from someone whose knowledge of Jesus is mainly derived from NBC's Jesus Christ Superstar Live). This movie was basically three hours of Jesus induced torture porn, but it wasn't that bad. I remembered dreading getting to this film (if I haven't already said this, I watched all the films in chronological order), but it ended up being a lot more entertaining than I'd thought. I guess my one big take away was that I can't tell if this film is a take down of Christianity and missionaries, or if it was highlighting the persecution of Christians/ exposing how sketchy Japan's history is. I can't say that I'd recommend it, especially if your motivation for watching it is the same as mine (you'll be a little disappointed). But, if you're a fan of a Scorsese epic, than I'm sure Silence will be worth your time for sure.
Adam Assessment: I hope he never has to play a skinny person ever again, bc that was not the look, which says a lot because I'm into skinny little men (not Timmy tho... and I stand by that). I guess he was good in this, it wasn't his most memorable performance in my opinion, but I understand the hype.
14. The Report (2019): All the President's Men were let down by this movie
Again, not terrible, just not the best. The Report was very much in the vain of Spotlight, All the President's Men, The Post, except without the journalism, which I'm thinking is key in what makes these stories thrilling. The film is about a project led by Dan Jones to uncover the abuse of suspected terrorists at the hands of the CIA. And while yes, the film does achieve its purpose of exposing the Government, it never really goes anywhere. The film opens with Dan being asked if he leaked the documents in a really tense/threatening scene before jumping back in time to the start of the story, implying that Dan is some hero leaker etc. An hour or so later when we arrive back at this scene, we find out he a) didn't leak anything, b) was being "interrogated" by a lawyer, and c) isn't in much trouble for his "actions. They fucking baited us with this scene to make us think we were about to be in for a wild, illegal, thriller of a ride, and then the film was just like lol these characters are boring rule followers. Later on, Dan meets with a journalist, seemingly about to hand over the report, and I was like "finally, we're getting to the good stuff", but no he ends up keeping the report in his briefcase and walking away like a total fucking square. The other main issue I had was the depiction of the two "psychologists" who developed and employed the torture techniques. Yes, we all know they're atrocious people, but they were written as villainous to a cartoonish degree, and I couldn't take their characters seriously. Also, seeing Tim Blake Nelson (our king) without his usual accent was jarring as fuck (like I literally doubted it was him because of the lack of accent), I'm not complaining at all, but I am a changed woman because of it. Finally the film was produced by Vice, which I think is important because the film reads more like an episode of Vice News than it feels cinematic. Lastly, before watching this I was confused as to why it didn't receive any Oscar nominations because the Academy usually eats this shit up (and this was low-key better than The Post), especially since the best picture category was so dry this year, but after watching I agree with it's lack of nominations. Sure it's entertaining, and important to watch, but other than that it's just okay. However, if you don't already believe that the CIA is a terrorist organization, then you should probably watch this...
Adam Assessment: Nothing super memorable, but still a good performance. Didn't take it too far off the Carrie Mathison end which was a plus.
13. Star Wars VII (2015): God bless George Lucas for giving us Kylo Ren
I've already been over this too, but because it's better than episode 9, I'll just say that I did really like this one. It felt classically Star Wars. Also, Kylo is a way better character than any of the previous villains, and that's that. Not to be controversial but, Sequels > Original Trilogy>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Prequels.
Adam Assessment: This was our mans big break, so we have to support it. As I've said Kylo's one of my favorite SW characters, and I think that's because his performance transcends the usual SW acting. IDK if this is one of his best roles, but it's up there.
12. Paterson (2016): Why must you confuse me Jim?
Like I said earlier, I just don't get Jarmusch's films. I don't know if I'm just stupid and am missing out on what makes his films enjoyable, or if I'm in the right and there's nothing about his films to "get". All of his films have a very monotone feel to them. The characters don't emote at all and the stories never get too dramatic. Which, don't get me wrong, he definitely has a super strong voice as a film maker, I just have absolutely no clue what that voice is supposed to be telling me. I can't tell if he was trying to comment on something with this film or not. The main character Paterson is a bus driver/ poet, and I just don't get him. He's sweet and quiet, but also boring as fuck, and on one hand I'm like "he loves his wife" but on the other hand I feel like he doesn't listen to a thing she says. He goes from writing love poems (fucking ew) to stopping in at his local bar for a drink, seemingly unbeknownst to his wife, every night during his dog walking. I was finally able to decifer which side of the "soft-man" spectrum that Paterson lies based on a detail I saw in his stack of books, that detail being a copy of "Infinite Jest". From this knowledge I have decided that Paterson is a prick, he's just boring enough to hide all the dick behavior. As for his wife, I feel like she was Jim's attempt at a MPDG, but the writing didn't pull it off. She's obsessed with black and white (everything in their house has been painted or dyed to be some variation/pattern of b&w), she wants to start a cupcake business, she convinces Paterson to buy an expensive ass guitar for her (guess what color(s) it was), but like Paterson, she was boring, beautiful, but boring. She felt spacey and stupid, while Paterson gets to be the intellectual, romantic, old school (he doesn't believe in cell phones, fucking fucker) good guy. I just don't know how I feel about this. Maybe I'm just the stupidest person ever and this is the greatest film ever, but shit's just not clicking for me.
Adam Assessment: I like how laid back this character was. 2016 was clearly his big year, as in he was just coming off of his first SW movie and was now somewhat of a household name, so he clearly had the freedom/cash to explore better roles. If you watch his films chronologically, it's really interesting seeing him go from all these annoying ass gross roles, to Star Wars, to finally being serious. I'm here for it.
*** Don't think I'm stupid for not italicizing "Paterson", I don't think I ever said it in reference to the film's title. The film's running gag (if you can call it that) is that everything's named Paterson. Also I was on a "road trip" a few weeks ago and drove by Paterson, and I'm now feeling 1 degree closer to Adam :)****
Fuck it. Pt. 2 coming soon.
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