Star Wars Episode Nein

JJ Abrams is a Punk Bitch

jk he's not that bad

Preface: Originally I'd written this for pt. of my ranking, but then it got really fucking long really fucking fast and there were still things I needed to say. So I ended up just cutting it out of the post and pasting it over here to give it a little extra attention. The first four paragraphs are all the original (aka the character shit), and then I added some extra grievances that needed to be said.

I'm not gonna lie y'all, this movie had me at first. If I'm being completely honest the only thing I wanted from this movie was for Rey and Kylo to kiss (which yes, I know this is problematic, but I have the maturity level of a 7th grader so let me live), which I did get, but was disappointed with bc it felt rapey or something. Aside from that let down, I think the main issue most people had with the film was how all of the characterizations fell apart/ the plot as a whole. The first time I saw it I didn't have that much of an issue with said grievances, and I blame this on the fact that I was just watching the movies for mindless enjoyment and not to actually care about the story. But this time around, being able to watch all three films back to back, I really did understand how shitty this one was, though I still don't think it's anywhere near as bad as the films from part 1 of my ranking (is this because the filmmaking and cast are objectively better than the other two trilogies, idk? but it's true). This movie did literally every single character dirty, mainly Rey and Kylo.

Rey is the main fucking character, we've literally spent two movies trying to figure out who she is/ her future, and this movie was just like "let's figure out the most ridiculous explanation for who she is, and then... get this, not really explain it". The whole bringing back Palpatine was fucking wack. One of the main thing's I've really liked about the trilogy was that it wasn't bound to any of the previously established narratives of the SWCU, which means that they had the chance to come up with some great, original, creative idea as to Rey's parents/who the ultimate big bad of the series is (bc we know it's not that bald alien bitch from the other two films), and all they could do in the end was just recycle a dead ass character from the past. Disney was paying too much money for them to not even try. Also the weird virgin mary implications of Palpatine being Rey's dad is just so fucking stupid. I'd spent the 4 years leading up to this film praying that she wasn't going to be related to any of the other characters, and somehow this outcome is worse. She should've just been a rando, even Rian Johnson said he'd decided to make her a nobody (when he still thought he'd be directing this film, "LOL"- Disney and JJ), which I think is much more of a star wars story. Literally, Anakin was a nobody, Luke originally was a nobody back when Star Wars was supposed to be a one off. And aside from major plot matters, they just made her totally spiritless and hardheaded (but not in a good way).

As for my main man, Mr. Kylo, obviously he was going to get a redemption arc, bc god forbid there be an unredeemable star wars bad guy. They'd been setting this arc up from the end of the first film when he couldn't kill Rey, and then when he couldn't kill his mom, or Rey again for that matter in the second film, the explanation for why he went rogue, and most importantly when he killed Snoke and then had his little "scuffle" with Luke. The first two films were clearly building up to this, and while they did follow through, it felt super half ass. His transformation moved way too fast, similar to how Anakin in the third movie was like "hmmm, that bad guys sound sorta dope, I'm in" and didn't take any time thinking about it. First off, they brought the fucking mask back, which like, the entire point of him destroying it was the first step in him going good. Then there was him being dumbed down in regards to palpatine/Rey/his little facist government or whatever the fuck it was. And then on top of that, instead of Rey being the one to change his mind, like they'd been building up to, it was the ghost of his fucking dad being like "you can do it, let's hug it out"-- which was a total rip off of Moana, I must add. Down to the location and everything. Then they basically just recycled the fight scene with him and Rey killing the bald bitch from the previous movie, except this time Rey was like "I think you're low key a good guy Ben" and he was like "omg ur right, fyi I'm about to un-consensualy kiss you and then die, sound good?" and that was it. Like he didn't even have a chance to go back to being Ben for even a second, before JJ was like "lol u thought, byebye". Even ugly ass Vader got to say sorry. I should mention that I've seen a bunch of evidence (no, I didn't actually devote time to researching this shit, twitter/tiktok seem to know that I watched this and are forcing SW content at me 24/7) that this wasn't how it was supposed to end and that he was probably supposed to live (you can do your own research if you so desire). WTF JJ, you bitch!! I'm also a little pissed that he didn't get to pop back up as one of the ghosts at the end, I feel like that's the whole point of the ghost shit anyway.

Finally there's the issue of Finn being made into a total joke. I mean it's not like his character has been given any respect since day one, but he was especially useless this time (adding to the JJ sketchyness, apparently the didn't tell John how fucking stupid Finn was going to be until the films came out and he was like "why tf did I get the dumbass edit???) And then there was Poe being turned into a drug runner, when Oscar Isaac specifically dropped his last name so as not to be typecast as a latino-drug runner stereotype. And then them casting Rose (?) fully to the background after setting her up to be a main supporting character in the previous film.

I know I already mentioned how the plot was totally just cut and pasted portions from the 8 other films, so instead of complaining about the plot I'm just gonna tell you how I think it should've gone. Before you say anything, I don't actually care that much about the details so this shit might not be factually correct, and I know for a fact that the real nerd freaks out there might not like my version of this, but like, no body asked them now did they? Okay so here's Episode 9 : So just right off the bat, Palpatine is dead, and gonna stay that way. This plot point was cheap as fuck. It was basically the same as if Harry had killed Voldemort in book four and then all the sudden popped back up in book seven (and was also Harry's dad, the fuck) (unrelated: but, low-key low-key, Voldemort can sort of get it). Back to the point, so instead of bringing him back and forcing Kylo to be some alien wizard's bitch again, it should've been him in charge of his little fascist circle-jerk or whatever you want to call it. I do think there needed to be another all-powerful sith asshole that he/Rey went up against, but they could've at least come up with a new character. I liked that they tried to let Rey explore being a Jedi by herself, but that plot point was reduced to 2ish minutes of her lifting up rocks which was stupid as shit, so the point of the story here is that we needed more exploring/ less rock bullshittery. In terms of Kylo's "redemption", it was cheesy as fuck the way they did it. I would've liked to have seen a little more internal conflict that wasn't directly related to seeing ghosts, as in Rey should've played a bigger part in this. And on the topic of Rey/Kylo, why did she stab him. I don't need them to be bffl's or anything, but like, that shit didn't sit well with me, especially the fact that stabbing him killed Leia, tf ? I've though about this shit long and hard, but I don't think Kylo should've lived, butttt I do think he could've said a little more than "ow" (no need to fact check) and then weirdly laugh (i was into this tho :/) before dying. Like they at least could've funeral pyre'd him, am I just supposed to assume his dead ass corpse is just sitting there on that planet. No ma'am. Even Bin Laden got a burial. And Finally... the ending, bc that shit was so fucking stupid o m god. I was all in for this scene until that old bitch showed up and forced Rey to decide he last name was Skywalker (which she's not) on the spot. In my version she's a nobody so this would have been a no brainer. She should've pulled a Just Grace and been like "lol I'm Just Rey". Also, this is another reason Kylo should've casper the friendly ghosted his way into this scene, bc he actually is a Skywalker and they totally shut him out. Honestly, up until this point I sort of though the title was about him, and it could've been had they cared about his story a little bit more... JJ...

I wasn't going to bring it up, but since we're on the topic of rewriting things, and since we also know how shit the prequels are, I thought I'd give my two cents on how they should've been done: Basically, the first movie should not have existed the way it did. I don't feel the need to see kiddy Anakin, but if he must be included, then they should've cut that shit down to 45 minutes of content tops. Then the other half of the first movie would be rat tail Anakin being horny for Natalie Portman, and introducing the clones and what not. The second movie would have more Anakin/Natalie bullshit, but focused more on the clone wars stuff, because that got like 5 minutes of screen time and felt totally irrelevant. Part 2 would also have Anakin starting to turn bad, because the pacing of his transformation/ them keeping it to just one film was a) fucking stupid and b) made him look like a dumbass fuckwad. Finally the last movie would stay mostly the same, but just fix the pacing of Anakin going rogue.

Ok, that's it. I promise I don't hate this movie, but the flaws are there people, and I must bully this film for them.