Yet Another List About Star Wars

goddammit

I'm just going to get straight into this because we've got 5 movies to talk about. I now present you, the quality half of the SW cinematic Universe (SWCU):

5. Episode IX: On Second Thought, No.

So I thought I could sum up my issues with this movie in a cute little paragraph, but that was not the case. For the sake of time, I'm just going to leave this here, and give this film it's own post in order to properly shit talk it.

- Right off the bat, shitty title

-This movie has more "humor" than the rest of the trilogy, yet unlike the other two trilogies, there isn't a character to pull it off

- They wasted zero time in letting us believe Chewbacca was dead, you gotta let that traumatic shit marinate for a little bit JJ

- Same goes for fuckin Bill Weasly being the snitch, a) this should've been revealed later on, like, give us a minute to be curious, and b) I'm sorry but that was such a cheap fucking way to "redeem" the, objectively, most evil character in the series.

- Pretty sure they only created Keri Russell's character to stop all the Poe/Finn gayboy speculatings

- Can't tell if me tearing up at Kylo dying was bc it was genuinely sad or because I was in the middle of a depressive episode watching this (@me sobbing the second he came on the screen in the beginning) (no, it was not star wars/Kylo that brought this on)

- I'm sorry, but the ending... why can't she just be Rey without a last name. This bitch is the most powerful person in Star Wars world rn. If Beyonce and Madonna don't need last names than Ms. Rey doesn't either.

-also why didn't ghost Kylo come back at the end, bc he and Rey were closer than she was with those other geezers.

- Lastly, this movie has an uncanny amount of similarities to Harry Potter, especially the HP 7's:

- The first similarity I noticed was that both Harry and Rey were visited by the ghosts of their family/friends/Jedi to help cheer them on( I don't remember which book the HP ghosts appeared in but I know they did)

- Both feature a white guy that's public enemy no.1 to our lead, that have long hair, wear all black flowing fits, are fucking bitches, they only reason they were "redeemed" was because they were in love with a lady close to the lead. Oh and they both have big ass fucking noses.

- There's a gang of three (same girl:guy ratio too) searching for an object/s that are important to killing the ultimate big bad guy

- Both have villains that are ugly as fuck with grey ass leather skin, wear cloaks w/ the hood up, who go by "lord __"

- two characters are linked (Harry and Neville/ Rey and Kylo) that sort of team up to kill said bad guys

- They way Rey kills Palpatine with her lightsabers against his lightning shit, is v Harry and Voldy avada kedavraing eachother with their wands, also both harry and Rey are killed by this and then brought back

- Both have main characters with no parents/ parents killed by the bad guy (idk if this applies to Rey but I'm feeling like it does)

- Both feature a weird underground lair with a giant snake thing in it

This is all I can remember atm, but I'm feeling like someone (JJ...?) was doing some HP watching while writing this shit show.

4. Episode IV: It's not as Bad/Good as you Remember

I have no clue when the last time I saw this movie, pre-rewatching it this go around, was, but it had to have been during my "I don't really give a shit about SW" era, bc I remember watching it and thinking it was low-key really shitty. And after seeing it again this time, I have to admit it wasn't as bad as I remember. The dialogue/pacing/effects didn't bother me for the most part. I am suspicious though, that this could be because it was the first film I watched post the travesty that was the trilogies, so the dialogue, etc. probably seemed 10000x better in comparison. I think the most successful aspect of the film is the plot being independent of any sequel/prequel, similar to what I said about the sequels being able to chart new territory story wise, this film was able to be itself without having to worry about keeping up with past characters/plotlines. And I know you're like duh, that's because it's the first one, obviously the story was going to feel completely independent, but it honestly was just refreshing to see a film that felt new and exciting in comparison to the sequels that had literally one job and still fucked it up. I know that this was supposed to just be a one off and the ending reflects that with it's perfectly wrapped up conclusion, but knowing that it was going to spawn a million sequels makes the ending (and maybe whole film) slightly unsatisfying. Knowing how good the story is going to get makes this film seem sort of boring. And if we're being honest, the plot isn't that thrilling. It's just a new Hollywood space (b) movie, the more interesting plot points don't come in till the sequel. I did enjoy it, and I understand why it got all the hype it did at the time. As the first film in a series, I think it's great. As a standalone movie, it's a little lame. But that's just me. Sorry to all the purists (I'm not sorry bc the "purists" are really just sexist, incel, gatekeeping men that think liking the originals is a personality trait, and judge anyone (girls) who prefers the new films to the og's)

- Set design is unbelievably better than the prequels, just goes to show that simplicity and practicality >>>> technological ability

- Star Wars looks better on film

-The sand creatures freak the fuck out of me. The old-school SW creatures in general are straight up terrifying, now that Disney controls everything, the creature design is just "what can we sell the most stuffed versions of"

- Pretty sure Disney+ has the updated version, so I have no clue what the original VFX look like/ how bad they were

- "sand people" sounds racist

- I love how you can tell this was supposed to be a one off/ that George hadn't figured out the rest of the trilogy's story yet, bc if he did he wouldn't have luke making out with Leia. Also I'm pretty sure Vader was killed off at the end, but it was ambiguous enough that they were like lol he's still here when they got the go ahead for the sequel.

-The family aspect definitely did not exist for this film

- I want Han Solo to call me "kid"... goddamn

3. Episode 7: She's Back Bitchesss

As I've said like 50 times already, I was not at all into star wars when this film came out. This was when I was in-between my hardcore fan phase from elementary school and my newish found, casual appreciation for SW. I remember being legit embarrassed to go see it in theaters (this was partly due to the fact that I had a giant fucking pimple and was embarrassed to be anywhere in public at the time). I remember being so terrified people were going to clap at the end, and I'm pretty sure they actually clapped at the beginning too. All of this being said, I do remember liking this, not enough to stan SW again, but enough to want to see the trilogy through to the end. And this time around I definitely liked it. It's not the best of the sequels, but it's a great start. That being said, the plot is low key the same as A New Hope. Both start with 2 characters (one of whom is a poor desert person) teaming up to return a missing droid, the main three characters are two guys and a girl (the girl kicks ass, one guy is a "bad boy", and the other is cute but a low key idiot), the three sneak on to the bad guys new super weapon where they watch their older friend get killed by someone he's close to, the good guys team up to blow the weapon up (even though said weapons are massive and indestructible, the underdogs still somehow blow it up with only like 2 people), and finally the bad guy's future is ambiguous after he gets blown up with the weapon. I think at this point we can all agree that JJ doesn't know how to be original. That being said the plot worked for A New Hope and it works for this. The reason this film is better is a) bc Kylo >>>>>>> Vader (y'all he's lame as fuck and I'm sorry that some of you can't face that truth), b) having Rey and Kylo actually interact rather than making us wait till the next movie, c) making the bad guys way worse than they were in the original trilogy. Lastly I just want to say that this film/JJ/the trilogy as a whole/ Disney, did John Boyega so dirty. The first teaser they released for the film was that shot of him stranded in the desert in his stormtrooper get up, which would imply that he was the main character, would it not. I remember the teaser actually getting me the slightest bit excited for the movie and being like "fuck yeah we're finally getting the edgy star wars we deserve", and then the movie was more disney cutesy than cool.

- Poe is already annoying as fuck

- 10 minutes in and there's already more storyline than any of the other films

-Han and Chewbacca showing up was both very cringe/cheese and cute (JJ was definitely preying on our nostalgia, sick fuck)

-I'm still pissed they reduced Lupita Fucking Nyong'o to cgi bullshit, they were literally like "you're the most beautiful person ever, how about we make you into some little troll woman"

- I'm starting to think SW has a quota on # of black characters per trilogy (1) (Windu & Lando), and they reached it with Finn, so they pulled this shit on Lupita to get around the quota

- Again, we're going a little heavy on the Nazi shit. Also this implies that Bill Weasly = Hitler

- Kylo is giving off major We Need to Talk About Kevin vibes, right down to the dad killing and everything

- Anakin's incel energy must be genetic, because it's out in full force with you-know-who

- Star Wars needs cussing

- Is he (Kylo) or is he not wearing eyeliner, it's very Rodrick Heffley of him.

- Finn deserved the world and all they gave him was shit line after shit line

- I love how Rey, who's never used a lightsaber before, fucking wasted Kylo's ass on that snow planet #fuckmen2020

2. Sikeeee

1. Episode V: That Good One (Han Can Get . It.) & Episode VIII: Kylo Ren is an Angry Bitch Boy

PT. 1: I've found that the original trilogy and the sequels mirror each other a little bit, in that a) as we've already discussed, Force Awakens is low-key just A New Hope in better clothes but also b) both series start strong, peak with film two, and then blow it with part three (lol this is the Hunger Games too. Suzanne Collins, I see you). So according to point b, it only makes sense that the two best films in their respective trilogies would be tied for the best of the series. Empire Strikes Back has always been my favorite, that shit has fuckin everything: the ice planet (Inarritu totally lifted that cutting up a horse and sleeping in it scene for The Revenant), Leia and Han being hot as hell, a very miss piggy edition of yoda, Lando..., Han getting frozennn, Luke finally fighting Vader, all of that family shit, the list just goes on people. I feel like this is the film that made Star Wars Star Wars. I totally understand why people were obsessed with A New Hope, but this film is for sure 1000x better, and it elevates Star Wars from random New Hollywood space shit, to a definitive piece of American Culture. It does a really great job at taking all the ideas from # 4, and turning them into something great, which they then blew it with in # 6. I feel like all you need to know, is that this film is great, and also literally everything I've just said could also apply to our other 1st place recipient, so I'm just gonna go ahead and move on now.

- I can't tell whether Lucas pictures himself more as Luke or Han, either way the though of that shit has me dying

- The look that Han gives Luke when they're gonna leave the space planet is so fucking hot (no I'm not suggesting we need a space broke back, not that I would be opposed tho...)

- Yoda feels a little too stupid/muppety, and I'm offended on his behalf

- I feel like the point of Luke's training was just a way for Yoda to get a look at him in that tank top

- I made a note that says "pretty sure whoever wrote the prequels didn't do their research". I have no clue what this is specifically referring to, but I fully support this claim

- I'm sorry y'all but Han Solo is fucking hot as hell, idk why 10 year old me decided to idolize that incel bitch A****n over this man's fine ass. If I could visit the past, this is what I'd yell at my former self about

- Some white person saw Han get frozen and came up with cryotherapy

- Darth Vader is weak as fuck in this, and his costume looks like some party city bullshit

- Lol they definitely hadn't decided that Luke had a twin yet

PT. 2 : I don't think I appreciated this movie as much the first time I saw it, but I will credit it with sort of making me want to like star wars again. Let's be real, this movie is fucking great. I knew it was going to be good when they announced that Rian Johnson was going to be making it, as a longtime stan, I already knew that he could do sci-fi well and was hoping that this would finally be my chance to get the edgy star wars I've always wanted. Unfortunately this movie was a little more Disney than edgy, but at the same time that's what star wars is so I'm not going to complain. Like Episode V, this movie has everything: Luke and Rey jedi-ing about, Kylo being to big of a bitch to kill his mom, Kylo's backstory, Him and Rey chatting it up, shirtless Kylo (contrary to popular belief, I did not like this part. Like at all), Rey and Kylo killing that bald alien bitch, Actually good fight/battle scenes, Kylo getting emo while trying to kill "luke", Luke dying (They are really out here picking off the old folks one by one). Shit's fucking great. I'm assuming the reason I like this so much is because it feels like it's more Kylo's movie than Rey. That's not to say they didn't do her justice, but he got way more screen time in this than would be expected from a bad guy (Vader's bitch ass would show up for 2 minutes, be like "uhhhhhhhh", fight like shit, leave, and everyone was somehow still scared of him). And of course JJ had to go and fuck all of this up with the next movie, but that's none of my business. This film was way more character driven than plot, and there was a lot of plot action. While I loved all the Rey/Luke/Kylo developments, I hate hate hated whatever the fuck the Finn/Rose storyline bullshit was. I get that they were trying to come up with a creative way to get information (idk if this was the actual plot point), but it was so Disney and cheesy as fuck. Star Wars isn't stranger to commenting on political issues, but this was so fucking grooossssss, also Rose was sort of annoying (they did her dirty...). I think Rian got a little too ambitious with this portion of the film, though I do appreciate him trying to give Finn the attention he deserved. I also don't know how I feel about the ending, with it's call back to the Finn/Rose mess. The whole slave kids playing with the Luke toy and then maybe using the force thing felt out of place, especially when the ending of the first film perfect set up this one (not that an ending needs to do that, we support ambiguity on this platform), and maybe Rian had planned to do something with it in the final film before JJ got his hands on it, but I guess we'll never know. Anyways, this is probably my favorite of all the star wars films, and I really do think it helped me get over my prejudice towards this space shit (Star wars fans are still weird, this is something I will forever stand by).

- I just want to say that 8 films in, the opening music still scares the shit out of me

-SET DESIGNNNN, I really appreciate how the sequels at least try to build sets/ shoot on location instead of just cgi-ing the fuck out of everything (@the prequels, and also Marvel bc the shit they get away with is attrocious)

- I don't approve of all the unnecessary creatures

- I love Laura Dern, but I do not like Star Wars Laura Dern

- BENICIOOOOOO, and Justin Theroux!!???!?!? we stan.

- I was hoping Benicio's character would pull a Lando and double-double cross Finn and Rose, but I'll take what I can get

- RE unnecessary creatures: I get that they ultimately ended up serving a purpose, but I have zero patience for those ice foxes that looked like something out of fucking frozen.

- I saw this quote that was like "Rian Johnson loves Star Wars, and JJ loves Star Wars movies" and I feel like that shit really makes sense after watching all three films

We've made it (not yet, bc I still have to air my episode 9 grievances, but for rn, we've made it). I'm feeling a little controversial, so before I go I just want to say: The sequels are the best of the trilogies, and fuck gross guy star wars fans

...ok bye.